Conflicting Thoughts

It wuld be not a nice thing to say that I have always thought of other people and their feelings first and not really considering what it does to me. Then again if just though of myself I would be 'selfish' But then the line is oh SO corny. Sometimes it is True. You put yourself first and everybody has to live with it. Where do you draw the line between wanting what you want and not wanting it because you put others first?

Agreed, it depends on ones choices and priorities. But what if you want both? Ha` who doesn't?

My dear one graduated and I wasn't there for it. My dear one I think needs someone at this stage of life. But then again I didn't have anybody either then! It's unfair to comapre, I know. I did get this far huh, then why wuldn't anybody esle? Its not a requirement, but a nice to have. And I should SO stop thinking like my job.

I couldn't be there for my bestest (superlative for best. And yes there is a world like that :D) friends wedding. I couldn't believe HE, my friend was getting married! Do not get me worng. I was the most happiest for him. I have known him from when we used sit on those iron chairs with the table between us and slapping on that table and lauffing and the thought of relationships, forget marraige. He who saw me make a fool of myself with endless crushes and boyfriends. He who sat there and saw the last curve of my smile stuck on my face thrugh my sorrows. He who left everything to come down to give me a hug, when I really needed it and told him I so didn't need it. And he who would genuinely pretend to agree with me when I would blabber to him about how "mature' and all grown up I was! Someone who truly understood my passion for 'pink roses' ! *Hint, hint* ;) I couldn't be there for HIS wedding! *pout*

My best friend's dad is in the ICU. We have done the craizest stuff together. More than any guy, a normal girl would say, she was my best dancing partner. And I hold dancing the closest to my heart. She was just my better half, my alter-ego! Who shared my passion to 'hate guys' (yeah one f the girlie phases), thought sex was the yuckiest thing ever, listened to all my bullshit and put up with my crazy tantrums! We were the cool chicks! Ok, try explaining it to all th people who thought of us so :P. On a more serious note I can't be there physically to be a shoulder to cry on or just be there when she really needs her firends. I am her bestest friend, correction SHE is my bestest girlfriend and I want to be there for her! :(

The question really is, do I really want what I really have? All I really have is my freedom. How much do I really value my freedom compared to all the people I hold so close to my heart? What if I get my answers really late? Already some important parts of life have passed, will I really be able to do my part? Or am I just selfish?