Karma gone BAD!

Something is going on here and I don’t know what. It’s like there’s bad karma in the air. Either I am a REAL bad person or I don’t know. It all started Friday. Here are 3 scenarios:

1. Person1: Why didn’t you answer my call whole morning, are you avoiding me?

Me: Nope, I came in late.

Person1: How late?

Me: about 11.30

Person1: (in an authoritative voice) why? Why did you come so late?

Me: (thinking: who are you to ask me that question in that tone) what do you mean?

Blah..blah..blah

Person1: so, what do you think of me?

Me: (I’m thinking…………….

Before I answer the que., I am just thinking about a couple of days back when I was having trouble with a common person we know and I am looking for some sympathy here, because I needed it and ‘Person1’ says don’t get me involved. I want to stay away from this. And I was like you’re the only person here who knows what’s going on and I’m looking for sympathy here. I don’t why the hell I said that, because it made me sound desperate and stupid!

…..and I’m still thinking, what do you expect anyone, forget me to think of you? The way that you want them/me to? I SO don’t think so. If you can’t be there, during integral and most wanted times, you are just another person.

Me: (Aloud I said) Well, you’re a nice person…blah blah.

2. Person2: blah blah …. And this comment made about you ‘came out’ so funny

Me: Are you making fun of me behind my back?!

All I wanted here was to be friends and have a good time with a bunch of people. Not make funny comments about me. Well I mean come on..we can have fun together pulling each other’s leg, but atleast let me be involved otherwise it comes off…….not so nice.

I’m thinking here, am I someone who try’s to impose my ideas or making authoritative statements? Or I don’t know, what do I come off as? I mind my own business and let you live too? Then why?

3. Person3: blah blah…. Whaddup yo?

Me: You should SO stop talking like a wannabe, it doesn’t sound nice.

I am NOT being judgmental here. I’ll tell you why.

Here’s the thing: you know me for a long time, maybe personally for about a year now in this country. Then we go back home for a holiday and YOUR friend(s) think I have changed and have an accent (fake, as they/you say it). Well ofcourse I have changed! And a ‘fake accent’? Come on! You’ve known me long enough and you never noticed it in that course of time? Someone tells you they think ‘hey she has a fake accent’ and how long have I been reminded of that?! What are you deaf and can’t think for yourself?

And then I tell you that you sound awful in your new found ‘lingo’ and I get this? :

Me: Ok, I think I’ll go now. Will call you later

Perosn3: Yeah, please

Me: (baffled) What?!

Perosn3: Yeah…please (slams the phone down)

Finally what’s the outcome?

Me: I have been avoiding your calls.

Person2: Oh?

Me: because your making fun of me behind my back

Person2: What is your problem?

Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Person3: Hey

Me: you owe me an apology

Person3: No

Me: ………………………..

Person3: Let me know if you don’t wanna talk to me, I won’t bother you.

I don’t know what’s going on…..God if your playing some kind of games with me, trust me this in one sick game.

As I was cleaning, Kelly Clarkson was playing on the radio and when she sang “how come I never hear you say, I just wanna be with you” and it hit like I was slapped with a million cold smelling fish. What?

Someone’s nick is ‘after 15 years’ displayed for the whole world to know and see. If you’re wondering what the hell is ‘after 15 years’ yes, I’m coming to it. That’s exactly what I thought when I first saw it, but didn’t care to ask. And I was talking to this ‘someone’ and someone told me someone met someone who was a ‘first’ (of the gazillion) crush blah blah and found someone somewhere. Can you believe it, like after 15 yrs!!

*viola* it hit me too! and as I listened to Kelly sing seriously “how come I never hear you, I just wanna be with you” and I asked the same question? No answer. Yet again.

I realize that I think I needed that ‘felt like, I was slapped with a million cold, smelling fish’ to wake me up and smell the coffee. *sigh, and I’m allergic to caffeine*

This 'n' That

I was returning from work and a young couple, in fact they looked like 15-16, came and sat in front of me. They began making out. I understand you have freedom of speech and everything and , despite the society I am in and what ever lil maturint I have, it was embarrassing. On the other row in the same line that they were seated, this samll kid, 4 or 5 maybe sitting and looking at them. He had this most heavenly, baby - innocent smile I have ever seen. It was so beautiful I could'nt help but smile looking at him. What is it about children that makes your heart light and you forget the whole world?

After barely managing to wake up in the morning, having the black house cat cross my path, breaking my compact mirror in the train station and barely keeping myself awake in the afternoon meeting my day wasn't exactly what you call a 'pleasant day'. But that child made me feel good and forget everything if just for a moment. :)

I wore my favourite 'Ralph Lauren- Polo' shirt today and the white trousers I have been dying to wear for-like -ever and I felt like a princess in the morning. Walking, no scratch that running to work in the morning with the breeze in my hair, hair flying around my face and I made SUCH an entrence. As the day grew older, I felt no less groucher! All that 'feeling awsome' about onself and everything, God knows where it dissappeared? And just when I thought for once I feel good about myself, I see this really beautiful lady, real class act sitting right across in Star Bucks. All SO confident and smart and sassy and I looked myself in the mirror and went *bleeacch* SO much for my $$$ Ralph Lauren!

Yes my day wasn't getting any better, surly! As I was crusing the perfume section in Marshall Fields, my friend suddenly tells me, why do men look at you always? * yes surly I have a smug smile on my face*. I wanted to tell my friend, maybe they're wondering hhmm.. so that's how species in Venus look like?! Can we ever be satisfied with ourselves? With the way we look, the way we dress, the way we carry ourselves? Not very often, huh?

How exactly do you determine or draw the line between jealous and being protective. Most of the times its un-spoken and you just have it hanging over your head. NO I mean when someone is J for YOU! In other words, when someone is J, because they don't want to share you or they want to be on your priority list? Yes doesn't that make you feel good? Or is it just the way we make it out to be, to make ourselves feel better? Sure, we want to make us out to be 'I-can-read-the - signs', and then when you realize that you were SO wrong, have we invited nemesis? Or are we getting the right signs but made to believe its not the right sign? hhmm..

This feeling of 'raw-ness' or whats a better word... damp feeling, don't know what it is but its not a nice one. Sure everything is not the way it should be, and exepected. But it sure shouldn't be that way or is everybody just feeling it too? There is like a blockage...and I am crazy!

Behave YOUrself

As I was walking home today, a thought struck me. Are people truly what they are when they are behaving the way they are? Yeah yeah, I'm not being stuipd, I recokon that all of us have facets. No one, not even me, will behave what we really feel. If not all the times, most of the times.

When your boyfriend/girlfriend buys you something and you think its hedious or look at it & go, does he/she really think THAT's ME? But you still say, wow I love it :). Why? Yes. There are your run of the mill reasons:

1. because I love him/her
2. I'm not the kind who can hurt people's feelings
3. He /she though of me and bought it, and I can't be rude?
4. I was too shocked to react?!
5. All of the above?

That's actually a small fragment of what I was thinking of. Really when your talking to someone, someone close to you; in anyway, do things change because your apart? And if things are one way when your there together in one-place and when you move away, what changes? Do we care to wonder? Or just react to what your getting from the other end. Sure, if someone was vauge to me or was just not at the same wave lenth or snobish I would probably come off similarly. But not if I have known you for long and now we act like we are talking to the 'rest of them'. Or have I?

Is that all there is to a person who you once were close to and never could think of him/her as 'rest of them', but are feeling like behaving or reacting to him/er the way you would with the 'rest of them', doesn't it make a difference t anyone?

Why are we so afraid to talk, to be YOUrself, and go around the thick 'uncomfyness' cloud? What will change?

"If you don't tell someone you love them, how will they know? " So true, but what if you do and you get rejected? Is THAT we are all afraid of? "It's better to have loved and lost, then to NEVER have loved" . How practical is that then ?

"If we discovered that we had only 5 mins left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them" - Christoper/ Norley. Will they really? Let's see what I'd do, uummmm... lie down and take a nap?

Conflicting Thoughts

It wuld be not a nice thing to say that I have always thought of other people and their feelings first and not really considering what it does to me. Then again if just though of myself I would be 'selfish' But then the line is oh SO corny. Sometimes it is True. You put yourself first and everybody has to live with it. Where do you draw the line between wanting what you want and not wanting it because you put others first?

Agreed, it depends on ones choices and priorities. But what if you want both? Ha` who doesn't?

My dear one graduated and I wasn't there for it. My dear one I think needs someone at this stage of life. But then again I didn't have anybody either then! It's unfair to comapre, I know. I did get this far huh, then why wuldn't anybody esle? Its not a requirement, but a nice to have. And I should SO stop thinking like my job.

I couldn't be there for my bestest (superlative for best. And yes there is a world like that :D) friends wedding. I couldn't believe HE, my friend was getting married! Do not get me worng. I was the most happiest for him. I have known him from when we used sit on those iron chairs with the table between us and slapping on that table and lauffing and the thought of relationships, forget marraige. He who saw me make a fool of myself with endless crushes and boyfriends. He who sat there and saw the last curve of my smile stuck on my face thrugh my sorrows. He who left everything to come down to give me a hug, when I really needed it and told him I so didn't need it. And he who would genuinely pretend to agree with me when I would blabber to him about how "mature' and all grown up I was! Someone who truly understood my passion for 'pink roses' ! *Hint, hint* ;) I couldn't be there for HIS wedding! *pout*

My best friend's dad is in the ICU. We have done the craizest stuff together. More than any guy, a normal girl would say, she was my best dancing partner. And I hold dancing the closest to my heart. She was just my better half, my alter-ego! Who shared my passion to 'hate guys' (yeah one f the girlie phases), thought sex was the yuckiest thing ever, listened to all my bullshit and put up with my crazy tantrums! We were the cool chicks! Ok, try explaining it to all th people who thought of us so :P. On a more serious note I can't be there physically to be a shoulder to cry on or just be there when she really needs her firends. I am her bestest friend, correction SHE is my bestest girlfriend and I want to be there for her! :(

The question really is, do I really want what I really have? All I really have is my freedom. How much do I really value my freedom compared to all the people I hold so close to my heart? What if I get my answers really late? Already some important parts of life have passed, will I really be able to do my part? Or am I just selfish?

No Choice, but..

I was reading a friend's blog and I came across this song and it kind of caught my eye.
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and
I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk alone I walk on...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone Some things you just know.
It's amazing how, but you do! Sometimes always have.

I don't know if its just Freudian slip, but I know I have always associated a song with what I fell most of the times. It's amazing. I am SO accustomed to putting myself out there in a way I am NOT out there.

Putting one's thoughts online always poses the danger including persons who might take it personally. I do not make any refrences personally, this is just to let some steam off. And if you think someone might think it is DIRECTLY associated with you, you might wanna consult me before you go 'what are going and telling the whole world..' thank you :)

Floating Thoughts...

Here's a thought......Is it really time that mends a broken heart or is it just ones thought process? Are they the same thing or are they mutually exclusive? Its a tough analogy. I have thought of it every way and maybe its just ones change of thought process over time.